So...I'm Having Surgery

If you've been here before, you may already know that I will be having back surgery the end of May. A spinal fusion to be exact. 

You may also be aware of the fact, if you know me personally, that I am terrified of being put under! This is nothing new for me but the fear is especially high for this surgery. Most of the fear can be attributed to a few things. I'm older, I'm overweight, I'm a mother (this is a big one) and I just lost my own mother last year. 

I had to have a pre-surgery workup with my physician because I'm over 40. Oh joy. And now I have a whole other host of reasons to be afraid! :( My EKG showed I had two borderline abnormalities and my chest Xray showed "mild cardiac enlargement without acute pulmonary abnormality". What ever the hell that all means. Oh but let me back up...I forgot to mention that I also have borderline high blood pressure. So, I'm borderline I guess. I feel borderline crazy. ;)

Well, all this glorious news got me in the self diagnosis mode with help of good ol' Google. Of course, the information is conflicting and a lot of it could be this, it could be that bull shit. Serves me right for over thinking anyway. 

However, one thing that was consistent in all of my readings was how vital it is for women to stay at a healthy weight and keep their blood pressure under control in order to have a healthy heart. It's not like I don't know this. I do know this. I've known this for a very long time. But, for some reason right now I feel like this is a big ass red flag waving in my face. Saying, "wake up girl...you can't keep going like this forever. The party train is starting to catch up with you sister!" 

And really the reason I'm paying more attention to the flag now is that I'm scared. I'm scared that it's all caught up with me and now I have to have this surgery and what if I don't make it. What if I'm too unhealthy. I've had a year to get my shit together and now look. Three days to go. Hmph.

I'm no quitter though. Never have been and I don't plan on starting now. I've been trying to cut my salt intake and lower my stress. And when I wake up from surgery, I will keep going. I will drink the gallon of water a day and if it's the last thing I do, I'll lose this weight and break up with sugar once and for all!

The thing I think I needed to realize is that working to be at a healthy weight is not the same thing as working to be thin. Wanting to be thin is about looks. Being a healthy weight is about living longer and living well. 

When I'm able to sit up and type on the computer I will update you on my progress...with back surgery and getting to a healthy weight. 

Wish me luck ;) 

~Ashli

It's Been a Looooong Time!

Wow! It's been foreeeeeeeever since I've written here. It's the end of the school year and it's been a little cray-cray. We are definitely counting the days! 

I'm going to go all the way back to Easter. It was good and the boy did a great job finding the eggs. I think the Easter Bunny needs to make it a little more challenging next year though ;) 

I made a new wreath for the front door. First, my wife spray painted it white then I added silk flowers and these little birds that I painted blue. It looks sooooo great against my freshly painted chocolate door, which I am in love with! I can't wait to paint the garage door to match. 

Sky had his first cello concert and did fairly well. He wouldn't sit up straight to save his soul...rotten egg. I kept motioning for him to sit up every time he looked out at me in the crowd. Ha-ha. 

He wants to try out a brass instrument next year but we are going to keep the cello over the summer so he can practice. I really think he should continue lessons over next year so that if he decides to go back to the cello he won't be all rusty :) 

We went to our first NOTO Arts District Walk to listen to Olivia play the cello. Although, we didn't stay long because Sky wasn't too interested, I would love to go back and try again. He will just have to suck it up and humor his parents. We did find some cool 

glass art on the side of an old building. I was able to get a picture of him and his fake, hurry up and take the picture smile. Dang kid. 

Another first of the season was a picnic at the park. It was so nice to be outside in the beautiful weather instead of cooped up in the house. I'm trying to get outside as much as possible before my surgery because I'm afraid I'll be stuck inside for a few weeks. Not at all how I want to spend the first part of my summer break but it is what it is. I have to have this surgery, so I can hopefully get back to myself...as much as that will be possible with titanium rods in my back! 

I haven't progressed too much in the way of my weight loss. Frankly, I'm okay with that. I would love to eat good food, that is mostly good for me and exercise more. I never thought I'd utter these words...but I miss working out! My back just doesn't allow much right now and I also have to get myself out of the mindset that exercise is strictly for weight loss because it's so much more than that. One goal I have is to get myself back in the habit of working out 5 days a week. Working out puts me in such a different place about how I feel towards my body. It also changes the way I view food. It's really fascinating how the mind works. 

My mom's hostas came back up, which gives me so much happiness. It's like a little piece of her returns to me and I have that to look forward to every spring from now on. She loved impatients also, so I placed a pot of those in the bed with the hostas. I remember one summer she planted different colored hostas in our window boxes and they were HUGE. We have a picture somewhere...I'll have to find it and share it with you. This spot in my yard would bring her such delight and peace. I know in my heart that she visits it often. 

This Mother's Day was a bittersweet time for me. I can't express the content and gratefulness that being a mother brings to me, however it is a bit rough that my own mama is not here...well, not physically. I always feel her near me. I still talk to her and because we were so close, I know exactly what she would say back to me. Last year was the first year without her and she had only been gone a few days so I barely even remember the day. 

This year I just wanted to be at home with Sky and Lisa and do what we do best as a family...hang out. We love being at home and taking it easy. I made pecan rolls for breakfast. 

Until next time, 

~Ashli