So...I'm Having Surgery

If you've been here before, you may already know that I will be having back surgery the end of May. A spinal fusion to be exact. 

You may also be aware of the fact, if you know me personally, that I am terrified of being put under! This is nothing new for me but the fear is especially high for this surgery. Most of the fear can be attributed to a few things. I'm older, I'm overweight, I'm a mother (this is a big one) and I just lost my own mother last year. 

I had to have a pre-surgery workup with my physician because I'm over 40. Oh joy. And now I have a whole other host of reasons to be afraid! :( My EKG showed I had two borderline abnormalities and my chest Xray showed "mild cardiac enlargement without acute pulmonary abnormality". What ever the hell that all means. Oh but let me back up...I forgot to mention that I also have borderline high blood pressure. So, I'm borderline I guess. I feel borderline crazy. ;)

Well, all this glorious news got me in the self diagnosis mode with help of good ol' Google. Of course, the information is conflicting and a lot of it could be this, it could be that bull shit. Serves me right for over thinking anyway. 

However, one thing that was consistent in all of my readings was how vital it is for women to stay at a healthy weight and keep their blood pressure under control in order to have a healthy heart. It's not like I don't know this. I do know this. I've known this for a very long time. But, for some reason right now I feel like this is a big ass red flag waving in my face. Saying, "wake up girl...you can't keep going like this forever. The party train is starting to catch up with you sister!" 

And really the reason I'm paying more attention to the flag now is that I'm scared. I'm scared that it's all caught up with me and now I have to have this surgery and what if I don't make it. What if I'm too unhealthy. I've had a year to get my shit together and now look. Three days to go. Hmph.

I'm no quitter though. Never have been and I don't plan on starting now. I've been trying to cut my salt intake and lower my stress. And when I wake up from surgery, I will keep going. I will drink the gallon of water a day and if it's the last thing I do, I'll lose this weight and break up with sugar once and for all!

The thing I think I needed to realize is that working to be at a healthy weight is not the same thing as working to be thin. Wanting to be thin is about looks. Being a healthy weight is about living longer and living well. 

When I'm able to sit up and type on the computer I will update you on my progress...with back surgery and getting to a healthy weight. 

Wish me luck ;) 

~Ashli